Something to think about

I know I haven't posted anything in a long time but lately two things have gotten me to do some serious deep thinking...The first one is a trip I took with some friends a long time ago and I moved out of town before I could resolve an issue with one of them...I had owed her some money from the trip and didn't bother with it before I left town...The guilt was always there for several years because I have never been one to intentionally hurt anyone's feelings or get back at them for anything...Just recently I was able to track her down and sent some money along with a note expressing my sorrow for taking so long to get back to her...She sent me a thank you note with a line in it that read, "I had forgiven you a long time ago"...That line hit me pretty hard...so my feelings of guilt were warranted...I know in my lifetime I have acted, dumb, weird, not so normal, whatever you want to call it, and have offended people more times than I care to count...But like I said never on purpose...I do hope that those that I have offended in the past have found it in their hearts to forgive me...And I have also found it hard to forgive people as well...I know my husband doesn't like it when I talk about my childhood and how rotten it was, but part of healing and forgiveness it talking about it and letting go of some things...I hated the fact that when I was a kid I was a bed wetter...my parents and my siblings all thought I was lazy and just didn't get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom...It took 16 years and a counselor for them to realize that I was a deep sleeper and couldn't wake up to do so...I would fall asleep and then when I woke up it would be morning...It was like I was in a coma during the night, and would never have known if a burglar had shown up or not...My sisters always made fun of me because I could never have sleep overs with friends and couldn't wait to tell their friends about it either...I always felt left out of things growing up too... My sisters always had more friends and like the shopping thing, while I was a tomboy begging people to be my friend...I hated young women's because the other girls were always better at things than I was and the leaders didn't mind telling me so...I hated being so shy all the time...Whenever people would ask me how I was I would say "fine" and hide my face...I hated high school because I always had to wear the di rejects and never felt pretty...Lots of people that I went to high school with have told me that they wished that they had been a better friend to me back then...too little too late I'm afraid...No one really recognized me at our 10 year reunion...I only went out on one date in high school and it was a girl ask guy dance and only because my dad offered to pay for it...I wish that I had done better in school with my studies...My dream was to go to byu but I gave up on that idea because my parents never had any money...I should have just worked my butt off and showed everyone I could do something...I couldn't stand the fact that Ricks College sent me a letter telling me they weren't taking me because there were too many girls and not enough boys attending there...I never got over the fact that I dated guys who dumped me after only a few dates and then come to find out they told my friends that they had a good thing and let me go...It hurt pretty bad that it wasn't until I was 31 that I finally found my eternal companion.  But I wouldn't give him or my kids up for nothing...He always tries to do whatever it takes to make me happy...The second thing that has caused me some deep reflection is my grandpa's recent passing...when I was a teenager he gave me some good advice and a lot of it went in one ear and out the other...mostly because I was a teenager and we never want to hear what an adult has to say...but I wish I had listened more and taken his advice a whole lot more serious...He was sure right on a lot of things...I regret not having gone on a mission...I had ample opportunity to go and think that it would have helped my self esteem, my confidence, and my testimony, along with my scripture study...I've had dreams about being sent to Montana that seemed so real it was scary...I think I would have not done some of the things I did that I'm not proud of had I changed some of my thinking and life choices...One thing I don't regret is having my son Rady...He helped me so much when I was struggling, but how he could have known that when he was just a baby...I was one of the lucky ones to have been able to have Jared adopt him and he was sealed to us...I have learned that I can be my own hero in my fairytale I call life...I am very proud of all the hard work I have done with my flower shop...and will continue with it as far as I can...I have learned that I don't need to beg people to be my friends...If they can't be a friend then its their loss...I have learned that forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do in my life...I have a family member who will probably never hand out an apology for something that was out of my control, but I have to learn to forgive that person if I'm ever going to get past it...I have learned that even though I struggle with fitting in at places like church, that I am there for my own salvation and that things happen for a reason...I know that I have never been good with words and sometimes the things I say offend people even though these are just my own little thoughts...but I felt compelled to share them and get some things off my chest...Hopefully this helped more than it hurt...